The Fucking Circus
As great as Someone New is, sometimes I can’t help but feel like he is deliberately going out of his way to piss me off. He went to the circus tonight. He went to the circus with his four work colleagues – the two pre-pubescent boys and the girl he works with. The girl he used to fuck. The girl he was fucking not that long ago – just before me.
How fucking cozy.
See, normally I wouldn’t mind. I know they work together. I know they’ve fucked. I know the deal – it’ll be awkward if one of us makes it awkward. Thankfully, we don’t need to cross paths so we haven’t…. yet. The thing is, she posted shit up on Facebook. And then he posted a ‘circus – work selfie’ on Facebook, and I’m going to be honest, I got a little angry then. Perhaps irrationally so. I don’t think so.
I know that Someone New gets jealous of my relationship with other men because he tells me. I am well aware that he gets very jealous of my relationship with Bestie, a point that we have both acknowledged. For example, he won’t ‘like’ a Facebook post or picture that has Bestie in it. It’s petty, but that’s his thing, we have broached the subject, he has admitted it’s petty, and we left it at that.
The thing is, I know what he’s like therefore I don’t put things up that I know will bug or upset him. There might be the occasional profile picture but as a whole, I have tried to keep mine and Bestie’s Facebook-relationship to a minimum to try and avoid causing offence. I have un-tagged myself in innocent photos with male friends so that he doesn’t see them and get upset, and if I’m hanging around with people I know he is funny with, I just don’t bring it up in conversation. The work colleague I accidentally screwed being one of them. I don’t bring up anything to do with Number 42 because I know it makes Someone New a little cranky. It’s not me being sneaky, it’s me being diplomatic. I have no intention of cutting any of these people; these friends, out of my life, so in order to keep the peace, I keep certain things on the down-low. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just not drawing attention to the company I keep that he would get jealous about.
So why doesn’t he do the same?
To be fair to him, I don’t get overly jealous about many women. Not on the outside anyway. It would take a special kind of situation to make me go cranky in front of a guy about another woman. I wouldn’t fight another woman for a man. If I had to fight for him, he was never worth it in the first place, right? Didn’t I learn that harsh lesson with Jock and his ex? I have learned something you know.
But seriously though – Someone New told me that he had slept with that girl yet sometimes, it feels he rubs her in my face at every opportunity. I wouldn’t imagine he would have reacted well if I had put a selfie up of me and Number 42, and that’s just why I wouldn’t do it. I DO have selfies of Number 42 and I, and I choose not to put them up so I don’t upset anyone. I’m not sacrificing anything. I’m not changing anything. I’ve just learned as I got older that you need to pick your battles. And sometimes it’s better to keep things quiet than start an unnecessary argument.
I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s part of that control-freak nature I find so endearing, but it’s like he WANTS to start an argument sometimes. I wonder if it’s because I’m quite cold as far as he is concerned, and I don’t readily let on what I’m thinking or feeling. He has told me a few times he doesn’t really know where he stands because I go from hot to cold, and although I don’t want to come across that way to him, I feel it necessary right now to protect my heart. Still in recovery from Jock, there’s no way I want to go rushing headfirst into something I’m not 100% sure about.
But slowly but surely, I’m falling in love with this man. And his blasé attitude towards the girl he works with, a girl he was fucking for a while, is pissing me off. Is it too much to ask that he have some diplomacy about him? Keep that kinda shit on the down-low like I do. I know the situation can’t be helped, but does it need to be so readily broadcasted?
Why can’t things just be private anymore?
